i bought a six pack at target tonight. of underwear. briefs too. i've given up i think. i want to be comfortable. i checked the sizing and bought what i'd normally wear in pants. and was alarmed at the ginormousness of them, when i opened the bag (really? i bought underwear out of a bag?!) it seemed like sooooo much material; i was certain they'd just puddle around my knees. but no. they fit. they fit just fine.
a month or two before, i bought jeans with a tummy control panel. and then proceeded to binge eat in the weeks since, and now my tummy control panel jeans pinch me off. even my 3yo noticed and kindly pointed out, "mommy, those are too tight-your belly is squished" giggling as she poked at my muffin top.
so the next time you see me, i'll probably be wearing sweat pants. because at least those don't pinch me in half. and if you must know, ill also be wearing giant underpants.
im hitting the wall hard; but at least im comfortable, damn it.
B and i are snuggling on the couch, she's reclined in the crook of my arm. we are watching some PBS program with a cartoon depiction of a baby crying. B says as she wipes are eyes, "i keep having to get the tears off my eyes. they just keep coming in my eyes when i see them in her eyes, and i don't know why?" at which point, i cup her closer and breathe her in; smiling and tearing up too. i tell her that it means she has a tender heart and that it happens to mommy too.
Fall. my favorite. temperatures dip. the sky suddenly becomes an electric blue backdrop contrasted against bright fall foliage. all things pumpkin. all things apple cider-y goodness. mmmm fall.
i started a new job October 1st; childcare for a friends two boys. im grateful that she thought of me and that im not having to stress out about money through the upcoming months. but im also grateful that this is a short term assignment. i can't see me doing this forever-its very draining.
i survived the swine flu. got sick the weekend we went to a pumpkin patch. felt slightly fevered morning of and by mid-afternoon i had a 104 temp and was curled in the fetal position. i stayed that way for several days, lost my voice and later recovered enough to be able to care for my two littles. they came down with it next. all in all we were home bound for just shy of two weeks. it SUCKED. we missed some great fall weather and some fun fall activities.
dh's parents are going through a huge rough patch. long story really short, dh was at one point worried (with good reason) that his dad was going to commit suicide. its complicated. but i think they are over it for the moment. it remains to be seen how it will all work out. but that was really hard for dh and i know he's still upset.
october has been all over the place. lots of change and not just the seasons. but im feeling strangely optimistic. perhaps perspective on how things could be, has given me renewed appreciation for how things were. or maybe im just high on Halloween candy.
its been a while. i just havent been feeling it. its not that i dont have anything to say; i just dont have anything nice to say. (so consider yourself warned.)
its the eve of the 3rd annual extended family beach vacation. Pawley's Island, SC. im excited, the car's all packed. one more load of laundry and then bed. im also really nervous about what this will do to us financially. we're packing all our food and will *hopefully* just be out gas money. mark is working a side job tonight-so at least we have a small cushion to come home to.
i applied for a job on wednesday. havent hear anything. damn. i applied for another job that called back the next day-but they wanted full time. damn.
B started preschool this week. she goes twice weekly and so far its going great. although im a bit lost with what to do with that 2.5 hr chunk of time. in my daydreams i imagine that ill join the gym just a few blocks down and shed the last postpartum pounds plus those other pity party pounds. ive been stress eating like crazy. just this week, i ate a block of chocolate silken tofu mixed with a tub of cool whip. by myself. in one day. i ate a box of cereal last night. the whole thing.
im yelling at the kids a lot. in the evening, after they're in bed, i'll review the days events and feel like a huge failure. they are so tiny and innocent. i wish i were in control of my emotions. they deserve better. im not riding this storm well.
i want to be lighthearted and laugh. i want to fall out of the window with confetti in my hair. i want to be busy with something other than mundane and worry. its making me fat and bitter.
fo shizzle. the economy has been sucking lately (oh, you've noticed too?) and it's become imperative that our monthly income increases. dear husbands job has its perks, one of which used to be the option to work overtime. we took full advantage and he used to average 45- 50 hr work weeks. then OT got cut. OK, we'd manage somehow. we lived super frugal and for a while that worked. then unexpected expenses started hitting and suddenly we were no longer eeking by. so we tapped our savings and had planned to dole it out monthly, to cover the bills till we could figure out a 'what next' plan. while not ideal, it was something at least. it left us with a feeling that we had a buffer of time in which to find alternatives. but now dh's work has cut hours again, and he's at a mandatory 36 hr work week-a big deal when you're paid hourly. so now im in panic mode. and while that fantasy that some rich relative will decide to gift us, by paying off our mortgage, my odds of winning the lottery are probably better. so what to do, what to do? the problem-i have no fucking idea. i was one of those people that couldnt decide what to do with my life, so i just didnt decide. i never went to college and have only ever held entry level jobs. my last job was stable and paid well, working for the state. while there, i did manage to get some schooling in, and am a licensed massage therapist. which sounds great right? except i havent given a massage, pretty much since i completed the program, almost 6 years ago. so a little rusty there. and im not even really sure what the point of this post is, other than to say, i havent posted in a while and mostly its because ive been consumed with this. i desperately want to be one of those people who pulls themselves up by their bootstraps and makes chicken salad outta chicken shit (picture me hitching my pants up higher and straightening the bill of my cap as you read this, maybe even widening my leg stance and poking my chest out a bit) but thats not really me right now. i feel lost and afraid and like im drawing a total blank. i feel like the next step i take, has to be the right one, no room to fumble now. two littles depend on me and i cant be weak and indecisive. maybe im over thinking this. maybe i should just write out some brainstorming ideas before i go to bed tonight and the answer will come to me in a dream. maybe the answer is one of my well-to-do relatives should pony up. sigh.
My 3yo has been heavily addicted to her paci since birth. At around age 2 we implemented the 'only at naps/nighttime' rule. We gave her a 'special bowl' to store them in which had to be kept up on a closet shelf or she'd raid it at will. When she had her first dental exam after her third birthday, they strongly recommended that she try and wean from the paci by age 4 or risk permanent damage. We've been dialoguing about it a lot. Mentioning that big girls don't need them. Should we give them to the babies? Mail them away? She always resisted these attempts to convince her that she was too big and would cling defensively to her plug. We even talked about planting a paci garden and planting a large flowering shrub over her buried paci's. She would occasionally agree that this was a good idea, but always returned to her beloved paci. So at the beginning of June we got serious. We decided to throw a going away party for her paci's. She still had three left and no signs of letting go on her own. We talked about getting a present for letting them go, something only a big three year old girl could do. She finally decided on roller skates, Dora one's!
So on June 12th, we invited over her play-group buddies for a paci party. there were balloons, a bubble machine, cup cakes and ice cream and a yard full of toys. i read a story about a little boy who gives up his paci by letting it float away on a balloon. which is what we decided to do too (not the most eco-friendly choice, i know, but we were really desperate) so after the story, she had one more suck of her paci and then she let it go.
it's now been one week since her party and so far she's done great. the third night was probably her toughest, crying real tears and she seemed to be in almost physical pain. something that came instinctively to her, the sucking reflex, had become what she relied upon to self soothe and relax her into sleep. she was physically struggling with how to relearn a new way to fall asleep. i rubbed her back and just talked softly till she relaxed and drifted off. we now load her down with a pile of books and she "reads" them to her even bigger pile of stuffed animals and baby dolls. some nights she drifts off easier than others, but over all it's been a huge success. she usually asks just once, as we're giving good night kisses, where are her paci's and that she wants them to come back to her. we tell they are still floating in the clouds and she seems OK with that. whew.
